I've been meaning to write something for over a month now but like always never seem to find the time for it. Writing feels a lot like exercise to me, in that I know I ought to do it and know I will feel better after getting through it, yet it's almost become one of my personality traits to avoid it at all costs.
The start of a new year is a customary time for blogs like mine to proclaim a new-found resolve to write more and be more productive and who am I to break that tradition now? In a way I know I'm kidding myself and the mild rumblings of gusto I'm feeling today are going to subside as quickly as a New Years Day hangover.
I can't seem to ride myself of this need to express myself somehow but this doesn't couple with my secretive personality. I start all kinds of projects and courses and books and I feel like I get something out of them and develop as a person, but I dare not say anything about them to anyone.
It's like a cybernetic evil eyes might take notice of me and it's gaze would ruin everything and nowadays that's not even all that irrational to fear. When I read about the kinds of harassment people can get for putting themselves out there online or even personally seeing the dog-piling people can experience on places like Twitter, it really does make me think twice about what kind of identity I want to have online, or to even have an online identity in the first place.
Having a solid online identity is a powerful thing: an audience can come to you and you can begin to have an influence on discussions by developing a reputation. You can showcase achievements and explore ideas. However if you have built a solid identity online, it becomes something others can target and attempt to control. I don't know if I want to have a solid personal online identity like this site has allowed me to create or would I rather become a flock of a hunderd pseudo-anonymous user accounts.
For the time being, on New Year's Eve, I am deciding to upkeep a solid identity by writing this post. I'm still terrified to confront myself and see the harrowing truth of my life: that I really have nothing fascinating to write about and I actually don't really do anything all that interesting in the first place. On the off chance I do something noteworthy, it might simply be that I am too afraid of the Cybernetic Gaze to even write a single word about it.
In a childish way I just want to become someone worth reading online and have people take note of me. That might mean I need to take a courageous leap and actually write about something I would rather keep private. This might also mean I go forth and put myself into situations that would lead to interesting outcomes. Hopefully I have the fortitude to open up this blog if that day comes. In any case, it sounds like it's going to be a year of discomfort if I keep writing for this blog.
I feel doomed to leave behind abandoned blogs all over the internet until the day I die.